we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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