I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
