Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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