I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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