Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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