Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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