idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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