and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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