i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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