took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
