I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is Oprah even human
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
