totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
