You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
