He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
