my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
