He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
