Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
