I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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