Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
