I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
