My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
