Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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