My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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