omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
