im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
