all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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