My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
