I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
