My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
In other news, I just burned my penis
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
All the doctor said was why
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
