please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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