Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
