Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
