he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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