just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
