i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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