My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
