I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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