I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
