Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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