I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
