My hand turned me down
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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