why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
