Heybabeimwearingurpanties
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
