I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Randomize