you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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