i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
