The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
