Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
