My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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