does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
one might say we're banned from that church
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
