so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
