oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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